The One With the Baby on the Bus

Written by: Betsy Borns
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross and Ben are there.  Ben is sitting in his little rocking seat.]

Monica: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. (Ben starts crying.) Don't cry. Don't cry. (To Ross) Why is he still crying?

Ross: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

Monica: Maye it's me.

Ross: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.

Chandler: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

Ross: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)

Monica: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)

Chandler: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying. He does that a couple times.)

Joey: Cool.

Monica: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

Ross: Come on, don't do this.

Monica: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?

Chandler: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. (Monica glares at him.) Joey, she does not look fat.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler has a basketball.]

Monica: (to Chandler) Here you go. (Sets a drink down in front of him.)

Chandler: Oh hey Monica. (He holds the basketball in front of Monica.)

Joey: (imitating Ben) Waah!! (Chandler moves the basketball away) Goo, goo, goo. (Chandler moves the basketball in front of Monica again.) Waaah!

Monica: That is so funny. Let me see that a sec. (She throws the ball out the window)

(Ross starts to make some gurgling sounds.)

Joey: Are you ok, Ross?

Ross: I don't know. What's in this pie?

Monica: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi...

Ross: Kiwi? Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie.

Monica: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.

Ross: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.

Monica: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and...

Ross: Ugh.

Monica: Oh my god.

Ross: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.

Monica: Is your tongue swelling up?

Ross: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

Monica: All right, get your coat, we're gonna go to the hospital.

Joey: Is he gonna be ok?

Monica: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

Ross: (sitting back down) You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?

Monica: Jacket now.

Ross: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.

Joey: We'll watch him.

Ross: I don't think tho.

Joey: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?

Chandler: Well, I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.

Ross: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.

Joey: Hat, milk, got it.

Ross: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro—a thro thro!

Joey: Consider it done.

Chandler: You understood that?

Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is doing some cleaning as Phoebe sits on the couch with her guitar.]

Phoebe: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

Rachel: Ok.

Phoebe: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

Terry: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

Rachel: What's up?

Terry: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.

Rachel: But what about Phoebe?

Terry: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

Rachel: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

Terry: Uh... (Points at Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

Phoebe: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, needed.

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben.]

Chandler: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

Joey: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.

Chandler: No, I got him.

Joey: No, seriously.

Chandler: Oh, seriously you want him?

Woman: Hello.

Chandler and Joey: Hello.

Woman: And who is this little cutie pie?

Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

Joey: You wanna smell him?

Woman: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

Joey: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

Woman: (She smells his head.) I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

Joey: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

Woman: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

Chandler: Well, we are great guys.

Woman: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel has just broken the news to Phoebe.]

Phoebe: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry.

Phoebe: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.

Rachel: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.

Phoebe: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.

Rachel: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. (She goes over to Terry.) All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.

Terry: I, I don't know.

Rachel: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

Rachel: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

Terry: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

(Rachel goes back to Phoebe.)

Rachel: Done.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

Phoebe: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.

Rachel: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.

Phoebe: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.

Rachel: Well, but Pheebs...

Phoebe: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play.

[Time Lapse, Phoebe is on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk singing.]

Phoebe: (singing, angrily) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....

[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Monica are waiting for the doctor.]

Ross: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.

Doctor: (entering) Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.

Monica: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.

Ross: (to Monica) Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?

Monica: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.

Doctor: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

Ross: Tho?

(Monica shakes her head.)

Ross: Ohhh.

Monica: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?

Ross: Ok.

Monica: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand?

Ross: Yes!

Monica: Okay. (He grabs her hand.) All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! (The doctor puts in the needle.) Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are still trying to pick up women with Ben.]

Chandler: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

Joey: Hey, hey, look at that talent. (Motions to two girls waiting for the bus.)

Chandler: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.

(Chandler and Joey run to get on the bus.)

Chandler: Wait-wait-wait-wait!

Joey: Wait!  Wait!

[Cut to on the bus.]

Girl No. 1: Hey, you. He's just adorable.

Chandler: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.

Girl No. 2: So what are you guys out doing today?

Joey: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.

Chandler: (to Joey) You done?

Joey: Yeah.

Girl No. 1: Oh, there's our stop.

Joey: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

Girl No. 2: You guys live around here too?

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

Chandler: You know it?

Joey: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

(They all get off the bus.)

Girl No. 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?

Chandler: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

Girl No. 2: Where's your baby?

Chandler and Joey: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Street, continued from earlier.  Chandler and Joey are still chasing the bus.]

Joey:  Ben!

Chandler: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.

Chandler and Joey: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!

(They run around and corner and see three buses pulling away.)

[The Hospital: Monica and Ross are getting Monica's hand looked at.]

Monica: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts?

Doctor: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here (pointing to the X-ray) is the puncture wound from your ring.

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is still singing.]

Phoebe: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. (A woman carrying a guitar case walks up.) Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?

Stephanie: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

Phoebe: Right. My name was on there (The chalk sign out front), but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

Stephanie: All of them.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you know D?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok, do you know A minor?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

Stephanie: No.

Phoebe: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are standing in front of a pay phone.]

Chandler: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. (Listens) Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid character.

Joey: (grabbing the phone) Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. (Listens) (to Chandler) He wants to talk to you again.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Stephanie.]

Rachel: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to...

Phoebe: (outside singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

Rachel: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.

Stephanie: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.

Phoebe: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!

[Scene: City of New York Department of Health Services, Chandler and Joey run in.]

Chandler and Joey: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

Health Services Guy: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.

Chandler: That's me.

Joey: I'm him.

Chandler: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)

[Cut to a back room, Chandler and Joey run into it and over to two different cribs with two different babies.]

Chandler and Joey: Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

Chandler: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

Joey: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

Chandler: Ok.

Joey: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

Joey: Ahh!

Chandler: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?

Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

Joey: You got a better idea?

Chandler: All right, call it in the air.

Joey: Heads.

Chandler: Heads it is.

Joey: Yes! Whew!

Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.

Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is standing by the door and looking at Phoebe counting her money as Stephanie is singing.]

Stephanie: (singing) Just call me angel of the monring.  Angel!  Just touch my cheek before you leave me. Oh baby.  Just call me angel of the morning.   Angel!  And slowly turn away.  I won't beg you to stay, with me.

(Rachel goes outside.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Oh, hi.

Rachel: Here. I thought you might be cold. (Hands her a cup of coffee.)

Phoebe: Thank you.

Rachel: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

Phoebe: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

Rachel: Do you?

Phoebe: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide," I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat," I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

Rachel: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! (Waves her hand over her head.)

Phoebe: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.

Rachel: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat."

Phoebe: Really? From who?

Rachel: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

(A kid runs up, who looks like, or will look a lot like Phoebe's brother.)

Kid: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.

Phoebe: Yeah. Here you go.

Kid: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch.]

Ross: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.

Monica: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

Ross: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

Monica: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? (Points to her hand.)

Ross: Oh.

Monica: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

Ross: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

Monica: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

Ross: I hope Ben has a little sister.

Monica: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

Ross: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

Monica: That was you?!

Ross: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

(Chandler and Joey enter with what they hope is Ben.)

Monica: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. (She picks him up.) Hey, he's not crying.

Chandler: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

Joey: Yes! (Monica looks at him.) There's still pie.

Ross: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?

Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

Ross: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus—Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

Chandler: You, you are gonna love this.

Ross: (to Monica) Will you hold Ben for a sec? (Hands Ben off and starts to chase Joey and Chandler.) Come here. Come here.

Chandler: (picking up the pie) Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Smelly Cat to Stephanie.]

Stephanie: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Phoebe: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat."

Stephanie: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

Phoebe: Better. Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Phoebe: You wanna try it again?

Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?

Phoebe: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?

Stephanie: Ok.

Phoebe: Mmmm hmmm.

Together: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.

(Stephanie does a little riff on her guitar.)

Phoebe: That's too much. Sorry.


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